Living A Blessed Life

Well, I have to say that two days ago, I could not have titled this post Living A Blessed Life. No, I am ashamed to say that two days ago, I was pretty much in the muck and mire of self-indulgence and self-pity. We are nearing the end of our year long tour here in Iraq. The subject of awards has been hot and heavy. It is a tough job determining who is going to get a Bronze Star, a Meritorious Service Medal, an Army Commendation Medal, etc. The normal routine is that officers and senior NCO's receive a Bronze Star for serving in a Combat Theater. That is not right. It is not just. But that is the way it is. Two days ago, I learned that I was not being put in for a Bronze Star. In truth, I did not deserve one. It is a very high award. It is not earned simply by breathing in a land where people tend to shoot at you. It is something that should be reserved for service above and beyond the call of duty. Very few people deserve this award. I have done my job well here. I have no regrets or doubts about whether my service was honorable. I vainly thought I was a shoe-in for the Bronze Star. But that was not to be the case. Decisions were made that went against this.

Of course my immediate thoughts were of those who were going to get it who did not do what I had done. Even worse, there were those on the list to receive it who benefited in no small part from the work I had done. The biggest slap in the face was the fact that work that I had done went on the narratives of soldiers to support their Bronze Star. I was pretty hurt. And my best friend, my wife, can tell you that I was hurt. The biggest pain I was feeling was that my family would be ashamed because every other officer in our unit was getting this award. I was ashamed.

I did something that I probably would not have done a year or two ago. I went to God. I knew that I was thinking selfish, childish thoughts. By the time my wife awoke and responded to my first emails (the ones that were filled with self-pity), I was already calming down. God was speaking to me and very gently teaching me a valuable lesson. And it was my best friend, my wife, who actually quoted the words of Jesus that corresponded with what God had been whispering to me all afternoon...do not store up your treasures on earth where they will corrode and be stolen. Store your treasures in heaven, where they are imperishable and cannot be stolen. Those who seek their rewards in this life shall have them. But that is the end of their reward. Those who seek their rewards in Heaven, shall have them for eternity." (The Major's paraphrase).

Not that rewards are the prime motivator for my faith. They are not. I have truly come to love God. I see now, that He has blessed me far more than I could ever deserve. And even in the struggles of life, I have come to see the loving hand of God. I was looking at the situation completely wrong. Instead of being punished, I was given an opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.

The bottom line is, my commander did not give me a medal. God gave me what I deserved. Because my medal was downgraded to a Meritorious Service Medal (it was originally going to be submitted as a Bronze Star), the opportunity opened up for another soldier, who really deserves this award, to receive one. I am very happy about this now. I know that many people will believe that I am lying. It is not normal, particularly for a Field Grade officer in the Army, to think like this. But, I am not a normal Army officer. I am a Christian. And I can see, now that the haze of selfishness has lifted, what God is doing. I sincerely think this is wonderful. And I am praying that a particular Sergeant, who I respect immensely and did a terrific job here, will get the Bronze Star that I might have received, for less cause. As hard as it is to believe, I am actually happy that God used me for this.

Later that day, I was reading a Daily Bible Reading on this site. It just so happened, that God chose one verse in that reading to continue comforting me. In fact, I think He may have been shouting at me. Not in anger, just as an exasperated Father might say, "HEY! LISTEN UP!" This is what God put before my eyes on that dreadful day (sarcasm):

Proverbs 25:27- Just as it is not good to eat too much honey, it is not good for people to think about all the honors they deserve.

It became painfully obvious to me that I was dwelling on all the honors I thought I deserved. The truth is, I deserve nothing. The very real fact of this life is that God gave everything to us. Part of Him descended to this earth to be mocked, beaten, spat upon, whipped, slashed with a cat-o-nine tails, cursed, nailed to a tree, and...to be killed. My favorite part of The Passion of the Christ was when they showed the hand of Mel Gibson driving the nail into Christ's hand. It was my favorite part because of Gibson's explanation for this. Only his hand appeared in the movie. He did this because of his conviction that he, Mel Gibson, took part in the crucifixion. (This is another Major's paraphrase) That is how I feel. I was a soldier at Calvary...I beat Jesus, I whipped Him, I nailed Him to the cross. And every time I sin, I do it all over again. I deserve nothing from God, but pain, turmoil, trials, and suffering.

And yet, that is not how God sees it. I do not know what God sees when He looks at me from above. I know what He should see...a worm, a pitiful creature. But I am pretty sure that what He sees is one of His children. He sees a child who struggles with the troubles of the world. He sees a child who struggles with the peculiarities of his personality, his passions, his selfishness. But more than that, he sees a child who loves Him and has accepted the salvation of Jesus Christ. This is how God sees all Christians. We are his children who are crowned with glory...the glory of Heaven that is awaiting us. It has taken me many years to understand this. We are God's children. Everything that happens to us is part of His plan to make us a better servant.

I took time that night and the next day to take stock of all God has done for me. Above all, He sent His Son to die in my stead. There is nothing else that can compare with this. It would be a tragedy if I did not mention that God has also given me my wife. She is my best friend. And when I was down and feeling sorry for myself, she used the words of Jesus to ease my burden. I've come away from this very insignificant event a better man.

I later wrote that my medals of honor in this life are my wife and children. I am blessed to live in a house of love with my soulmate and our offspring. My wife is my gift from God. I treasure her and value her thoughts and opinions. I am blessed because she walks beside me as we both journey through this life, making our way to our home in Heaven. I am truly living a blessed life.